In 2015, psychologist Hilary Elfenbein identified that self-confidence—understood as positive expectations and a sense of comfort when negotiating—is the main predictor of performance when building high-quality agreements.
In other words, when we enjoy the negotiation process (instead of wanting to get it over with), we optimize the results we achieve.
That said, if there is one activity that generates stress, anxiety, and discomfort, it is negotiation. By definition, when we negotiate we depend on others (often very important relationships), with different interests and power dynamics that hinder communication and trust.
On this point, Bolger and Kessler showed that, of all the stressors we experience day to day, interpersonal conflicts have the greatest impact on our well-being. Therefore, being able to manage them with greater calm and awareness becomes essential.
The million-dollar question, then, is how to develop that self-confidence when negotiating. A confidence that has nothing to do with arrogance or self-esteem, but simply with the feeling or belief that we can carry out a task or activity with quality and effectiveness.
Hal Movius, in his book Resolve, explains that there are three pillars in developing confidence when negotiating: technical mastery to prepare, execute, and review negotiations using a specific method; self-awareness to recognize certain cognitive biases that lead us to dysfunctional behavior patterns; and emotional balance (Poise). In this article, I would like to delve deeper into this last dimension, which the author highlights as the most relevant of the three.
We start from the premise that “eliminating” our emotions when negotiating is not an option. Nor is ignoring them. Trying to channel them directly during the refractory period (when emotion dominates our mind and we cannot distance ourselves from it) can be an odyssey. What option do we have?
Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro outline a simple and profound proposal in their book Beyond Reason, using emotions as you negotiate. Emotions are not just physiological reactions that arise for no reason, out of nowhere. Beneath them, we can identify 5 core needs that explain the origin or cause of emotions. The key, according to these authors, is learning to quickly read what triggers or generates emotions—both to connect with our own and to recognize those of others. Emotions, when well managed, can be a tool for positive connection in negotiation, rather than obstacles to overcome.
The 4 core needs (which, when not met, trigger negative emotions)
1. Appreciation: feeling that our thoughts, feelings, and actions are noticed and valued by others.
2. Affiliation: being genuinely treated as allies and not as adversaries in the face of the differences inherent in a negotiation.
3. Autonomy: others respect your autonomy and freedom to make your own decisions.
4. Status: perceiving that others treat you in a way that is consistent with your self-perception of capabilities, responsibilities, and level of seniority.
5. Role: carrying out tasks that are aligned with our purpose, potential, and sense of meaning at work.
In summary, emotional balance is vital to approaching negotiations with confidence and poise. To achieve it, we need to build the habit of identifying, in our own emotions, which need is being compromised, so we can manage them constructively and proactively. Instead of trying to act on the emotion, let’s reconnect with its root cause. This will allow us to move through the refractory period with greater calm, understanding what is missing for us in the interaction with others. In turn, rather than reacting automatically to the emotions we perceive in others, we will be able to try to probe which fundamental need is being compromised, in order to restore it. As Marshall Rosenberg said, behind the other person’s attack or aggression, there is an unhappy expression of their unmet needs.